


Breaking the Ice

by Mareel



Series: Always [65]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Canada, Destroy Ending, F/M, Family, Flirting, Grief/Mourning, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Memories, Past Character Death, Post-Canon, Post-Mass Effect 3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-06
Updated: 2017-03-06
Packaged: 2018-09-28 16:29:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10137452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mareel/pseuds/Mareel
Summary: Sometimes the simplest strategy is the most effective.





	

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a little over two years since the end of the Reaper War. John and Kaidan are visiting his mother at the Alenko family orchard. It is Shepard's voice.

 

“You both look half-frozen. Can I make you something hot to drink? Tea, John? Or hot chocolate, maybe?”

“A cup of tea sounds great, Elena. Kaidan?”

His voice is muffled as he bends over to get his boots off. Is he lingering at the task for my benefit? 

“Ummff… yeah, coffee for me, thanks.”

When she goes back to the kitchen, leaving us alone together, I can’t help teasing him a little. “Nice ass, Alenko. Anyone ever tell you that before?" 

His ears turn a delicate shade of pink that has nothing to do with the chilly weather outside. It makes me smile that I can still make him blush like that… after all this time, all we’ve been through together. 

“Maybe… _you_ might have mentioned it once or twice.”

“Maybe. Reminds me of all the times I’d step out of my cabin on the old _Normandy_ … and the first thing I’d see was you, bent over your console. Quite a sight in those uniforms, you know? Sometimes I felt like I needed to turn around and go back in my cabin for a cold shower.”

“Always glad I could brighten your day, Commander.”

He’s unwinding his scarf… _my_ scarf actually, the N7 one that his mother knitted for me for our first Christmas after the war. I cover his hand with mine and draw him to me, my other hand slipping around his waist… and drifting lower. “Maybe we should get out of these wet jeans before... “

He shakes his head and gives me a soft kiss. “We’d never get back down here for the tea and coffee. And Mom would know why. Later though... “

“Yeah. You’re right. Let’s get warmed up first.” 

______________________________________

 

“You boys took your time.” There’s a tease in Elena’s voice as she hands me a steaming mug of tea. “Honey’s on the table. Kaidan, I think the coffee is ready, too.”

“Thanks, Mom. Smells like it.”

She joins us with her own cup of tea and a plate of honey cookies. Those are a little too sweet for my taste, but they’re Kaidan’s favorite. He takes a bite of one before even sweetening his coffee. 

“Seems like it’s pretty cold today… and a few inches of fresh snow. What made you decide to take such a long walk?” 

I glance at Kaidan and let him answer. It was his idea. Of course with his biotic metabolism, he doesn’t feel the cold as much as the rest of us. 

He takes his time, stirring a generous tablespoon-full of sugar into his coffee before he replies. “I don’t know. Just felt like taking a walk. Went over to the orchard grove to check on things.”

 _Things_ meaning the little apple tree we’d planted in memory of his father. 

He doesn’t lift his eyes, and there’s that furrow between his eyebrows. His mother knows him well enough to give him time and space. He finally looks up, glancing between us. “The tree is weathering the storms just fine.”

“That’s good to hear, little one. I knew it would be strong. What about _you_?”

He reaches into the neck of his sweater and pulls out the extra set of dog tags, wrapping his hand around them, silently tracing a callused fingertip across his father’s name. It seems to steady him, and he smiles at her and reaches for another cookie.

“I’m good, Mom. No need to worry about me. Going there feels a little like paying Dad a visit, that’s all. Sometimes I just need to do that, you know?”

Elena returns his smile, reaching over to touch her son’s hand. “I know. I do it sometimes, too. It helps.”

There’s something I’ve been wanting to ask her about. Maybe this is a good time… I don’t know. It’s hard, talking about something I’ve kept to myself for so long. 

“Elena, can I ask you something? It’s sort of personal…”

“Of course, John. You know you can always ask me anything.”

I glance at Kaidan and he scoots his chair a little closer to mine, close enough for our knees to touch under the table. This is something he and I have talked about; he’s the one who suggested I ask his mom about it.

“It’s about my mother.”

“Hannah? I hope she’s well. I was sorry she couldn’t make it for either Christmas or New Year’s this year. The Alliance must keep their admirals pretty busy.”

“Yeah. Probably. There’s a lot of rebuilding to do – the fleet, the mass relays, Earth. Every other planet… I missed seeing her, too. She says she might have some shore leave on Earth in a few weeks though.”

She nods, sipping at her tea, waiting for me to continue. The same way she does with Kaidan when he’s trying to say something that doesn’t come easy.

Taking a deep breath, I take the plunge. “I want to talk to my mother about Dad. We haven’t done that for so many years… I don’t even know how to start. How to break the ice around it, you know?”

If Elena is surprised, she doesn’t show it. I’m sure she’s noticed that I never talk about my father. Not because I don’t want to – I just don’t know what to say.”

“He died when you were a teenager, right?”

“Yeah. I was fourteen. I sat up with Mom that night of the Batarian attack on his ship, waiting for news. When it came, and it was the worst, she hugged me and I think we both cried. But after that… she never really talked about him.”

“Oh, John. That’s so sad. Just when you both probably needed to talk the most. Maybe she thought she was protecting you… or maybe she was protecting herself...” Elena’s voice trails off and her eyes get the same faraway look that I see on Kaidan’s face when he gets caught in a memory. She seems to shake herself out of it with another sip of tea. 

“People acted that way after Michael was declared MIA. We all knew what that probably meant… but he was exactly what I _did_ want to talk about. Not to ignore him, ignore my loss… It wasn’t protecting me. It was isolating me, and I probably made some people uncomfortable by talking about him anyway."

I nod, remembering the night on the _Normandy_ when Kaidan told me that he’d gotten the news from his mother on Earth. “Yeah… I hear you.”

“But everyone deals with grief in their own way, I think. Maybe your mother, being military herself, was trying to react to the loss as a soldier, at least in public. She must have grieved in private though…”

“Yeah. I suppose. After that first night she never let me see it. And I was afraid to mention him, afraid I’d upset her, I guess. Maybe I wasn’t any better than those people who didn’t want to talk about Michael to you.”

She drinks the last of her tea and looks at me directly. “John, you were a teenager having your first encounter with loss. It’s not surprising that you’d take your cue from her. Your instinct was probably to protect her… it’s part of how you are. Taking a lot of responsibility on yourself to protect other people. That’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

I pick up my mug and set it down again, empty. Kaidan takes it from my hand and picks up Elena’s cup as well, refilling them from the teapot that she’d left by the stove. I murmur a quiet ‘Thanks, Kaidan” and busy my restless hands with adding honey again. 

“You want to know more about his death?”

I’ve been staring at my hands wrapped around the hot stoneware mug. But my head jerks up at her question. “No. About his life.” 

Elena nods silently, waiting for me to explain.

I try to put it into words that will make sense. “I know what happened… read all the reports once I was made a Spectre… And, well I have some first hand experience at that kind of dying.”

Kaidan covers my hand with his, offering silent understanding of how hard this is to talk about. “I want… want to know about his _living_ … You know, his life with Mom… what was he was really like, the man behind the hero he was to me.”

“It sounds like you loved him very much.” 

“Yeah. I guess I did. And I’m pretty sure Mom did too. He used to make her laugh. I didn’t hear much of that laughter after he was gone.”

Elena seems to be considering her words. “That’s a big question you’re asking – _tell me about his living._ I can see how that might be pretty overwhelming to Hannah, especially after all these years spent _not_ talking about him.”

Kaidan had said much the same thing when he and I talked about it. “Yeah, I get that. I don’t want her to be overwhelmed, or feel guilty or anything like that. I just want to open a window, I guess.”

“That’s a good way to think of it, John. You want to open a conversation that might go on for a long time… months maybe… as you both get comfortable with the idea of talking about him. I wonder… is there one question that you can think of that you might ask Hannah when you see her again? Not something deep and all encompassing. Just a simple question to break the ice, as you put it.”

I hadn’t thought about it that way. I was trying to plan out a whole conversation… and getting lost in it. “Maybe. That sounds like a good idea. I’m not sure what it would be though. I'll have to think on it more, I guess.”

Elena nods, picking up a cookie to nibble on. She’s lucky that Kaidan hasn’t finished them all off yet. He’s working on it. 

“If you like, I can tell you something that I noticed when she was here last year at Christmas.”

“Sure, what was that?”

“She seemed interested in that little family portrait on the mantle. I noticed that she would glance from the picture to Kaidan and back again. I don’t know what she was thinking, but I’ve seen you looking at it, too. And you’ve probably noticed how much Kaidan resembles Michael.”

“It was almost the first thing I noticed on my first visit here, yeah.” I press my leg against Kaidan’s under the table. “I can see so much of both of you in Kaidan.” 

“Have you thought about asking Hannah if she has any pictures of the three of you? Or of her and your father… a wedding picture maybe? I wonder if she sees him in you.“ 

Kaidan has been pretty quiet all along, but he finally speaks up. “Your mom might have a whole file of photos on her omni-tool, John. I know she talked about a collection of ugly Christmas sweater photos dating back to when you were a kid. She must have some of Liam, and hopefully some of all three of you together. Maybe she’d share those with you if you asked her about it.”

“I like that idea… a lot. It seems like it might be a place to start.” I lean close to give Kaidan a soft kiss and reach across the table to squeeze Elena’s hand. “Thank you. I guess I was thinking it would have to be one big conversation… fraught with a lot of stuff that went unsaid for too long. This is better.”

“Yeah, it is. Mom, you’re the best, you know?”

“I try, little one. I hope it helps.”

______________________________________

 

“I think asking about the photos sounds like a good strategy…”

“Yeah.” Kaidan’s reply is a bit muffled because he has a towel over his head as he tries to dry his unruly hair. We decided on a shower after finally getting out of our damp clothes. He was right, the sound of the water running would mask the other sounds we couldn’t swallow when he pulled me into his arms under the showerhead and my hands found their way around his waist and slid lower.

Tossing the towel toward the bathroom, he sinks down onto the edge of the bed next to me and our hands meet and clasp. I cup his face in my other hand and lean my forehead against his. There are things I could say, but right now we don’t need most of them. Just the three I whisper to him.

“I love you, too. John.”

 


End file.
